My first husband was a pilot for Iran Air. I learned to cook in Iran after the revolution. The restaurants were mostly crappy except for this one Mexican place that was set up in an old Swiss restaurant in North Tehran. Fortunately, they grow nearly everything in Iran and the food is fabulous.
But yeah. It was a lot. Zero acknowledgment but much later I befriended the adult children of my former husband’s siblings, and they recall delicious meals that “auntie Merritt” would make, wonderful cookies and candies, and all that. So it was worth it kind of, but exhausting.
I am grateful to know how to cook. I love to teach everyone around me how to make soymilk, make a great bean dish, grow herbs, cook with what you have, etc.
Most of the lawyers I know, yes even the men, know how to cook, or at least, understand delicious food. One lawyer who was married (and still is) to another lawyer told me right before her husband won his first million dollar verdict, they had a breast feeding baby and a 5 pound bag of lentils to live on for a month. She said, look, we didn’t starve.
I think we can value our skills and skillfully barter them as in, look, if you don’t start expressing gratitude and do the dishes every day I cook, you can shop and cook for yourself, my friend (partner, spouse, roommate.) then, full stop!
Isn’t it amazing to think that humans are the only creatures on planet earth that DON’T teach their male offspring how to feed themselves? Let’s all start teaching little boys to cook. Eliminating learned helplessness is half the battle.
I had a completely opposite reaction after my first divorce. We'd split the cooking and such, but she left for California and I kept this house. I think the second holder of the office cooked half a dozen meals between 2014 and her 2024 departure, but it was my kitchen, dammit. I was quite territorial about it and a much better cook.
👏 You dropped the excess weight. Your work is so well received and praised leave him in the rearview mirror where they belong. You can see the fruits of his actual labor... 0! Pictures are nice but we are here for the recipes. Very heroic to leave what you built it has allowed you to blossom. Now is your time! He's in culinary school after 12 years in a food brand? that really shows what his hand in all this really was. Don't be confused we can all see it.
Cooking used to be my favorite chore. It’s the only stereotypically female role I’ve actively embraced. It was an act of love when I started dating the man who would become my husband, and I still consider it an act of love, except…
Dinnertime in my household has become unmanageable, something I dread. The food is cold by the time everyone gets to the table. They arrive grumbling and sometimes storm away. No one respects the sacred time together. Everyone rushes through the meal, often without remarking on it. Plates are left unfinished.
I still consider it an act of love for me because I love eating. But it’s become an act of obligation for everyone else, and a tiresome one at that.
I have chosen, in all of my relationships including my current (second) marriage, to be the person who doesn't cook. I will occasionally make a meal, or help with a meal, but this stance has saved me from a shitload of emotional and physical labor over my lifetime.
I've been re-reading this article for several days. I couldn't even finish it the first time because of the feelings it evoked. Thank you for your honesty and courage, and for publicly saying the things we've all been wanting to scream for so long.
I knew nothing about BM beyond that it fed our house and our parties for over a decade. Thank you, I can't thank you enough for that. It breaks my heart that we were supporting and constantly encouraging our loved ones to support something that was harming you.
Something inside me snapped in 2020, and I stopped doing all of the invisible labor in my marriage. Like honestly all of it. I stopped financially supporting us and I stopped household chores altogether for a while because my anxiety and depression, compounded with the onset of menopause and the pandemic, created a perfect storm of catatonia. I'm so happy and lucky to say that my husband stepped up and just took over almost seamlessly. But the guilt and the shame of abdicating this work that is so obviously supposed to be mine continue to plague me, even now as my mental health has allowed me to get back into routine. Sharing the household workload 50/50, and contributing less than half financially feels so wrong. So LAZY. And I am furious at the socialization that creates these expectations and this shame.
Anyway, I'm working on it. 😂 But in an era where I'm counting every penny and examining closely every streaming/subscription service and its value, and where a few weeks ago I had no idea who Michelle Albanes-Davis is -- I'm so very, very glad to be able to provide this tiny bit of support now. Go you. I can't fucking wait for dinner.
(Also we've made that white bean hominy chowder twice already and it's so goddamned good.)
(Also, I'm saying "we" when all I did was subscribe and send my husband the recipe and he did all the shopping and cooking and how fucking great is that right now.)
I’m so glad you had someone beside you that let you feel everything you needed to feel. The pandemic was pivotal for me too. It shook me awake and made me realize that my priorities and life needed to change. It was strong medicine but I needed it.
The guilt of feeling lazy is too real. If my plate isn’t completely full, I feel like I’m not doing enough. That I’m lazy, that I’m being a burden. It’s wild. It will take us years to unlearn that but we’re on the right path.
Thank you for all your support and kind words about my recipes. It helps me keep going and I hope I can help you keep going too ❤️
Argh, what is this "I'm a burden if I'm not carrying literally everything?" Why do we feel this way? Sis, you're supporting me with dinners and that's enormous -- but right now you're also helping me process some tough emotional shit and that's priceless. 💜 I cannot wait to see what you do next!!
Men stepped up a bit during the pandemic to take on some additional share of household labor, but somehow quietly ebbed back to pre-pandemic sidestepping...women may need to be better delegators before habits shift
My mother in law (husband #2, the keeper) taught all of her sons to cook and clean and organize. Yes. I am very lucky, I tried to teach my 3 sons to cook and clean but they had to be truly educated in those areas by the women who love them. And you tube. And yes. They are much better at it than their dad, who basically learned to cook only after we divorced.
Men stepped up a bit during the pandemic to take on some additional share of household labor, but somehow quietly ebbed back to pre-pandemic sidestepping...women may need to be better delegators before habits shift
Yes, many men did step up but million of women had to leave their jobs because of a lack of childcare support. You can delegate, make lists, and beg your partner all you want but unless they choose to do it, it won’t get done.
Everybody needs practice to develop their "muscles"😂 but it really has to become social normalcy...for me, it's not just an equity issue but a stumbling block for diet-related disease whose solution in part starts in home kitchen and America's health
God, this is a good piece. I know the compunction to erase the I, to take myself out of the equation, to make an offering palatable.
Someone I follow must have shared this piece on Notes, and I’m so glad they did and I saved it. Thank you for sharing it. I’m sorry for the treatment you had to put up with. It’s clear you’re a badass woman. And I’m excited to start following your stuff!
Michelle- We have been cooking your recipes for years. In fact, your first cookbook was THE FIRST cookbook we purchased when we decided to go vegan. Thank you for sharing your light with us, and we hope there are nothing but good things coming for you.
Also I have never seen a better description of emotional labor and the mental toll it takes. I feel very seen, thank you!
It’s my honor to be your first vegan cookbook!!! Emotional labor is so tough but once you recognize it for what it is, it all makes sense. Thank you for seeing me too. It can be such lonely work, I know ❤️
"Cooking is an art form that is also a daily, never-ending chore." I can relate. I have had people say to me "I don't/can't cook." My response is always "How do you eat? Because it's the most important of the big 3 requirements: FOOD, clothing shelter." The answer is always something unhealthy, relying on a phone, take-out, or another person. If you eat, you need to cook. Simple. People need to take the time to learn to cook a few things, get comfortable in the kitchen, relieve the burden they're strapping on the back of someone else. Be responsible for yourself. Teach your kids to cook. I follow your recommendations that are usually followed by "the future you will thank you." I double up on recipes, freeze extras, construct "big ass salad bowls" that live in the frig for a few days sans dressing, etc. and we usually eat leftovers twice a week, sometimes more. That's one way to lighten the load. Thanks for shedding light on this situation.
I couldn’t have said it any better. Cooking and feeding ourselves is necessary for our survival and if you’re not doing it, someone else has to. I’m glad my suggestions help in the recipes, I’ll keep it up ❤️
After a few books and following Bad Manners on instagram it was obvious you were the whole reason for the brand, but figured the compensation for the jobs was distributed properly to each job done. To know that you didn’t even get half is beyond disgusting and infuriating! 🤬 fuck everyone who thought you deserved less! I follow both your personal accounts on instagram, but after reading this and thinking about all his posts of traveling around the world I can’t stomach to follow and “like” the posts. 🤢 Sorry, not sorry, but what a fuck of a human! I know your article wasn’t trying to be “mean” towards anyone, but thank you for the eye opener. 🤯
I think Scott said it best with being torn for contributing to your mistreatment, but also having to support it to keep it around. You deserve all the credit and happy you’re on your own and getting all the deserved credit. I’ll follow you where ever you go as all your recipes are my main go to for making dinner.
I can relate to a lot in the article and lucky that my husband has been more understanding of what goes into taking care of the house after his motorcycle accident had him couch bound for 2 months. I think I’ll have him read this also just to understand a little more. Thank you for doing what you do and helping feed my household! 💚
Yeah, it’s always funny who ends up with lots of free time and who doesn’t? I appreciate all your support over the years. The recipes in all the books are still my babies so I’ll never leave them behind ❤️ I’m glad your husband is realizing all the work that goes into supporting his life. I hope he keeps it up!
Comment from a man working full-time, shopping and cooking. Every morning I get up first and make the wife and I breakfast (omelette or tofu scramble). For lunch I eat a meat sandwich and the wife has leftovers or a frozen vegan meal. At night, as I get home first, I cook a vegan meal (usually from one of Michelle's books, I have them all). Either the wife or I will choose the recipes, but I do most of the grocery shopping. This came about for 2 reasons: 1- I get home first, and 2- If I have to eat Vegan, I'm gonna make it great. I don't like salads (unless it is maple glazed tofu!). I also want to be sure that the vegan only wife is healthy. I'm afraid that left to her own, she would eat very poorly and not get the necessary protein and nutrients. The 3rd reason is that the wife was diagnosed with ADHD a while back and doing the same thing over and over, day after day, is demoralizing to her. She manages the finances and goes Kayaking while I clean and cook. I love it like this and don't want it to change :) (if you're wondering about the use of "the wife" instead of "my wife" that is on purpose. I don't own her. She fills the wife role in our marriage, and I fill the husband role.
I’m so glad you both like the recipes! Your constant effort, I’m sure, has improved the quality of both your lives. The wife is lucky to have found a real partner in you ❤️
My first husband was a pilot for Iran Air. I learned to cook in Iran after the revolution. The restaurants were mostly crappy except for this one Mexican place that was set up in an old Swiss restaurant in North Tehran. Fortunately, they grow nearly everything in Iran and the food is fabulous.
But yeah. It was a lot. Zero acknowledgment but much later I befriended the adult children of my former husband’s siblings, and they recall delicious meals that “auntie Merritt” would make, wonderful cookies and candies, and all that. So it was worth it kind of, but exhausting.
I am grateful to know how to cook. I love to teach everyone around me how to make soymilk, make a great bean dish, grow herbs, cook with what you have, etc.
Most of the lawyers I know, yes even the men, know how to cook, or at least, understand delicious food. One lawyer who was married (and still is) to another lawyer told me right before her husband won his first million dollar verdict, they had a breast feeding baby and a 5 pound bag of lentils to live on for a month. She said, look, we didn’t starve.
I think we can value our skills and skillfully barter them as in, look, if you don’t start expressing gratitude and do the dishes every day I cook, you can shop and cook for yourself, my friend (partner, spouse, roommate.) then, full stop!
Isn’t it amazing to think that humans are the only creatures on planet earth that DON’T teach their male offspring how to feed themselves? Let’s all start teaching little boys to cook. Eliminating learned helplessness is half the battle.
Couldn’t have said it better
I had a completely opposite reaction after my first divorce. We'd split the cooking and such, but she left for California and I kept this house. I think the second holder of the office cooked half a dozen meals between 2014 and her 2024 departure, but it was my kitchen, dammit. I was quite territorial about it and a much better cook.
I respect a firm kitchen boundary
👏 You dropped the excess weight. Your work is so well received and praised leave him in the rearview mirror where they belong. You can see the fruits of his actual labor... 0! Pictures are nice but we are here for the recipes. Very heroic to leave what you built it has allowed you to blossom. Now is your time! He's in culinary school after 12 years in a food brand? that really shows what his hand in all this really was. Don't be confused we can all see it.
Thank you so much for saying that Clint. I’m embarrassed by how long I believed the opposite was true. I’m glad you can see the effort!
We LOVE you Michelle and many of us knew... I'm so happy you are on this journey with Kyria, loving life, cooking food and getting all the CREDIT!
Margaret! Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. It really means so much.
Cooking used to be my favorite chore. It’s the only stereotypically female role I’ve actively embraced. It was an act of love when I started dating the man who would become my husband, and I still consider it an act of love, except…
Dinnertime in my household has become unmanageable, something I dread. The food is cold by the time everyone gets to the table. They arrive grumbling and sometimes storm away. No one respects the sacred time together. Everyone rushes through the meal, often without remarking on it. Plates are left unfinished.
I still consider it an act of love for me because I love eating. But it’s become an act of obligation for everyone else, and a tiresome one at that.
I have chosen, in all of my relationships including my current (second) marriage, to be the person who doesn't cook. I will occasionally make a meal, or help with a meal, but this stance has saved me from a shitload of emotional and physical labor over my lifetime.
I've been re-reading this article for several days. I couldn't even finish it the first time because of the feelings it evoked. Thank you for your honesty and courage, and for publicly saying the things we've all been wanting to scream for so long.
I knew nothing about BM beyond that it fed our house and our parties for over a decade. Thank you, I can't thank you enough for that. It breaks my heart that we were supporting and constantly encouraging our loved ones to support something that was harming you.
Something inside me snapped in 2020, and I stopped doing all of the invisible labor in my marriage. Like honestly all of it. I stopped financially supporting us and I stopped household chores altogether for a while because my anxiety and depression, compounded with the onset of menopause and the pandemic, created a perfect storm of catatonia. I'm so happy and lucky to say that my husband stepped up and just took over almost seamlessly. But the guilt and the shame of abdicating this work that is so obviously supposed to be mine continue to plague me, even now as my mental health has allowed me to get back into routine. Sharing the household workload 50/50, and contributing less than half financially feels so wrong. So LAZY. And I am furious at the socialization that creates these expectations and this shame.
Anyway, I'm working on it. 😂 But in an era where I'm counting every penny and examining closely every streaming/subscription service and its value, and where a few weeks ago I had no idea who Michelle Albanes-Davis is -- I'm so very, very glad to be able to provide this tiny bit of support now. Go you. I can't fucking wait for dinner.
(Also we've made that white bean hominy chowder twice already and it's so goddamned good.)
(Also, I'm saying "we" when all I did was subscribe and send my husband the recipe and he did all the shopping and cooking and how fucking great is that right now.)
I’m so glad you had someone beside you that let you feel everything you needed to feel. The pandemic was pivotal for me too. It shook me awake and made me realize that my priorities and life needed to change. It was strong medicine but I needed it.
The guilt of feeling lazy is too real. If my plate isn’t completely full, I feel like I’m not doing enough. That I’m lazy, that I’m being a burden. It’s wild. It will take us years to unlearn that but we’re on the right path.
Thank you for all your support and kind words about my recipes. It helps me keep going and I hope I can help you keep going too ❤️
Argh, what is this "I'm a burden if I'm not carrying literally everything?" Why do we feel this way? Sis, you're supporting me with dinners and that's enormous -- but right now you're also helping me process some tough emotional shit and that's priceless. 💜 I cannot wait to see what you do next!!
Men stepped up a bit during the pandemic to take on some additional share of household labor, but somehow quietly ebbed back to pre-pandemic sidestepping...women may need to be better delegators before habits shift
My mother in law (husband #2, the keeper) taught all of her sons to cook and clean and organize. Yes. I am very lucky, I tried to teach my 3 sons to cook and clean but they had to be truly educated in those areas by the women who love them. And you tube. And yes. They are much better at it than their dad, who basically learned to cook only after we divorced.
bravo for staying in it! My husband makes a friggin good roasted chicken https://open.substack.com/pub/eatingandfeeding/p/eating-and-feeding-a-broasted-chicken?r=355mg5&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false I can't take credit
Men stepped up a bit during the pandemic to take on some additional share of household labor, but somehow quietly ebbed back to pre-pandemic sidestepping...women may need to be better delegators before habits shift
Yes, many men did step up but million of women had to leave their jobs because of a lack of childcare support. You can delegate, make lists, and beg your partner all you want but unless they choose to do it, it won’t get done.
Everybody needs practice to develop their "muscles"😂 but it really has to become social normalcy...for me, it's not just an equity issue but a stumbling block for diet-related disease whose solution in part starts in home kitchen and America's health
God, this is a good piece. I know the compunction to erase the I, to take myself out of the equation, to make an offering palatable.
Someone I follow must have shared this piece on Notes, and I’m so glad they did and I saved it. Thank you for sharing it. I’m sorry for the treatment you had to put up with. It’s clear you’re a badass woman. And I’m excited to start following your stuff!
So so sooooo much respect for you since the beginning and I’m happy you’ve stepped up and regained what was rightfully yours. I felt this post, A LOT.
❤️❤️❤️
Michelle- We have been cooking your recipes for years. In fact, your first cookbook was THE FIRST cookbook we purchased when we decided to go vegan. Thank you for sharing your light with us, and we hope there are nothing but good things coming for you.
Also I have never seen a better description of emotional labor and the mental toll it takes. I feel very seen, thank you!
It’s my honor to be your first vegan cookbook!!! Emotional labor is so tough but once you recognize it for what it is, it all makes sense. Thank you for seeing me too. It can be such lonely work, I know ❤️
"Cooking is an art form that is also a daily, never-ending chore." I can relate. I have had people say to me "I don't/can't cook." My response is always "How do you eat? Because it's the most important of the big 3 requirements: FOOD, clothing shelter." The answer is always something unhealthy, relying on a phone, take-out, or another person. If you eat, you need to cook. Simple. People need to take the time to learn to cook a few things, get comfortable in the kitchen, relieve the burden they're strapping on the back of someone else. Be responsible for yourself. Teach your kids to cook. I follow your recommendations that are usually followed by "the future you will thank you." I double up on recipes, freeze extras, construct "big ass salad bowls" that live in the frig for a few days sans dressing, etc. and we usually eat leftovers twice a week, sometimes more. That's one way to lighten the load. Thanks for shedding light on this situation.
It’s part of adulting…so true
I couldn’t have said it any better. Cooking and feeding ourselves is necessary for our survival and if you’re not doing it, someone else has to. I’m glad my suggestions help in the recipes, I’ll keep it up ❤️
After a few books and following Bad Manners on instagram it was obvious you were the whole reason for the brand, but figured the compensation for the jobs was distributed properly to each job done. To know that you didn’t even get half is beyond disgusting and infuriating! 🤬 fuck everyone who thought you deserved less! I follow both your personal accounts on instagram, but after reading this and thinking about all his posts of traveling around the world I can’t stomach to follow and “like” the posts. 🤢 Sorry, not sorry, but what a fuck of a human! I know your article wasn’t trying to be “mean” towards anyone, but thank you for the eye opener. 🤯
I think Scott said it best with being torn for contributing to your mistreatment, but also having to support it to keep it around. You deserve all the credit and happy you’re on your own and getting all the deserved credit. I’ll follow you where ever you go as all your recipes are my main go to for making dinner.
I can relate to a lot in the article and lucky that my husband has been more understanding of what goes into taking care of the house after his motorcycle accident had him couch bound for 2 months. I think I’ll have him read this also just to understand a little more. Thank you for doing what you do and helping feed my household! 💚
Yeah, it’s always funny who ends up with lots of free time and who doesn’t? I appreciate all your support over the years. The recipes in all the books are still my babies so I’ll never leave them behind ❤️ I’m glad your husband is realizing all the work that goes into supporting his life. I hope he keeps it up!
Comment from a man working full-time, shopping and cooking. Every morning I get up first and make the wife and I breakfast (omelette or tofu scramble). For lunch I eat a meat sandwich and the wife has leftovers or a frozen vegan meal. At night, as I get home first, I cook a vegan meal (usually from one of Michelle's books, I have them all). Either the wife or I will choose the recipes, but I do most of the grocery shopping. This came about for 2 reasons: 1- I get home first, and 2- If I have to eat Vegan, I'm gonna make it great. I don't like salads (unless it is maple glazed tofu!). I also want to be sure that the vegan only wife is healthy. I'm afraid that left to her own, she would eat very poorly and not get the necessary protein and nutrients. The 3rd reason is that the wife was diagnosed with ADHD a while back and doing the same thing over and over, day after day, is demoralizing to her. She manages the finances and goes Kayaking while I clean and cook. I love it like this and don't want it to change :) (if you're wondering about the use of "the wife" instead of "my wife" that is on purpose. I don't own her. She fills the wife role in our marriage, and I fill the husband role.
I’m so glad you both like the recipes! Your constant effort, I’m sure, has improved the quality of both your lives. The wife is lucky to have found a real partner in you ❤️
p.s. feel free to add miso to more recipes. I add it to a lot of your creations and it really adds flavor.