Diarrhea Days

Being Intolerant of the Lactose Intolerant

I want to be as fearless as the lactose intolerant.

Over the course of my life, I have met so many people that seem unable, or unwilling, to put down the teat. I’ll watch someone absolutely demolish a cheese plate, a pizza, or a mound of cottage cheese only to have them laugh afterwards and mumble that they’re actually allergic. Huh? You just committed a crime where you’re the only victim. I could never. What do you mean you’re gonna fart for the next 5 hours because you had some ice cream? Please be serious. This is not a niche issue. 65 percent of the world is lactose intolerant, but you all live in denial. A creamy, creamy denial.

I came of age in the heyday of the Got Milk? campaign in the US. Big Dairy was everywhere in the 90s. I didn’t question it. I grew up in the kind of white family that had milk with dinner, but I swear, none of us were shitting our pants. I cannot stress this enough. I know people love their dairy but my god, have some self-respect. As a kid, I got food poisoning from potato salad and I didn’t eat it again for 10 years. Simple. I was 9 and knew better than to trust a former enemy too quickly. If I could do it at single digits, then I bet that you—with your decades of digestive distress—can probably cool it on the Greek yogurt. How do you love cow juice more than your own butthole? You guys were always so close.

Yes that’s a homemade carrot necklace. No further questions.

You really don’t have to eat dairy. I have friends who haven’t taken a solid poo in years but swear everything is fine.¹ Babe, no. That’s no way to live. How is everyone so worried about seed oils but unconcerned that they can’t fart discreetly in public without risking a brownout? WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like I’m going crazy.

If you’ve never suggested to someone that they might be lactose intolerant, I don’t recommend it. They could have just told you about how upset their stomach gets after eating dairy–it won’t matter. They’ll look at you like you’re insane; like you made an incredible leap in logic. They will call up a cow and report you for heresy. It’s a rough road.

I can’t help myself; I always double down. I’ll point out that it’s one of the most common food issues in the world *cough 65% cough* then they get truly baffled. It never changes. They refuse reality with every meal. The lactose intolerant need to get it together.

Please take the following recipe, my beloved Tex Mex queso, as my humble offering to get you to leave lactose. I’m worried you’re whey in over your head.² This is not the time to have untrustworthy bowels. We’ve got a world to save.

Tex-Mex Queso

This recipe first appeared in Bad Manners: Fast as Fuck

Makes about 2 ½ cups

1 tablespoon olive or safflower oil

1 shallot, chopped or ¼ cup chopped yellow onion

1 clove garlic, minced

2 starchy potatoes like russets, peeled and cubed, about 4 cups

2 carrots, peeled and cubed, about 1 ½ cups

2 cups veggie broth, divided

1 cup unsweetened almond milk

2/3 cup nooch

¼ cup olive or safflower oil

2 tablespoons lime juice

1 tablespoon Braggs Liquid Aminos

¾ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon chili powder

½ teaspoon cumin

1 ½ cups diced canned tomatoes (think Rotel)

1 jalapeño, seeded and minced

In a clean skillet with a lid, warm the tablespoon of oil of the over a medium heat. Add the shallot and sauté until it looks kinda golden, 4-5 minutes. Add the garlic, potatoes, carrots, and first cup of broth to the pan, stir, then cover. Let that simmer over medium low until the potatoes and carrots are soft, about 15 minutes. When the veggies are soft, turn off the heat and let the pan cool for a sec.

While the pan cools, toss the rest of the veggie broth, milk, nooch, oil, lime juice, Braggs, salt, and spices into a blender. Add the softened veggies and all the liquids in the pan to the blender and run it until the sauce is all creamy, about 30 seconds to a minute depending on your blender. When in doubt, blend for longer.

Taste and add more spices or lime juice if you think that is necessary. It’s your queso now. Stir in the tomatoes and jalapeño, DO NOT BLEND, taste and then serve it right away as a dip, as a sauce for mac and cheese, or go ahead and make some damn nachos.

This lasts in the fridge for a week.

Tex Mex Queso

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Tomorrow, paid subscribers get a brand new recipe to go with this queso, my cauliflower quinoa taco mix. It’s easy, delicious, and perfect over a big tray of nachos. Want the recipe? You know what to do.

Are you lactose intolerant and ignore it? Are you friends insane like mine? Just stressed to the max and worried about everything? Me too. Let’s talk in the comments.

xoxo,

Michelle

1. You know who you are.

2. I’m sorry lol.