So I am very curious about this because I’m almost there but not quite. First I’ve been on the ‘needs to lose a little’ side literally since childhood. Nothing extreme but always there. My hormones are a little jacked up (irregular periods etc etc since forever) but no medical professional had any suggestions, so I rolled with it. I tried with dieting, that never worked long, then I tried with sports, on and off, now I am lifting weights at the sporty age of 45 and honestly loving it.
The weird thing is nothing actually worked for me. I still need to lose some amount. If for no other reason then just to fit in all my cute dresses again. But I find I care 2% about how I look. I do get very excited, though, about getting stronger… So even though I’ve been lifting for about a year and a half now and the magical body recompositioning hasn’t really happened, I still love the lifting. I feel amazing when I do a move I couldn’t do before. I feel brilliant when I can push through a hike or row us to shore when my friend’s shoulders give out midway our kayak adventure.
I’ve totally pivoted my body focus from how it looks (decidedly mid, as the kids would say) to what it can do (more than before!) and it’s extremely freeing.
Yes! Focusing on strength and what your body can accomplish vs what it looks like is great medicine. If you’ve never checked out Swole Woman’s stuff before, she’s got a great newsletter about lifting and getting stronger for regular folks called She’s a Beast. Super smart and levelheaded work.
Really enjoyed this article. I remember during the pandemic and after some really rough years where I ended up gaining some weight I had told someone close to me I was going to teach yoga. I had gotten my certification before life and weight happened. Their response was, "Would someone trust a fat yoga teacher?" Then there's the line in the cooking world, "Never trust a skinny chef." There's no winning. I feel like as it stands, as I stand, the word that most resonates with me is "fit." Fit to me means both capable but not afraid of food. Fit is fueled and ready to take on whatever comes my way. Including what anybody might say about if I choose salad or fries one day.
Another body positive person doing incredible work is Teri Hofford. I love her work and what she does.
Yes! Fit and able is what I’m striving for. Aesthetics be damned. You really can’t win. I hope you’re teaching yoga in whatever body you have right now and told that friend to educate themselves. I’ll check out Teri Hofford. Thanks for the rec!
This was great—thanks for sharing it! The millennial body-image mindfuck is real. And thinness is *so* tied to virtue, yes! I love that you touched on the dissonance of desperately wanting to be thin and simultaneously feeling guilty for wanting to be thin. Earlier generations certainly felt the former but I don't know that they felt the latter. That is a very millennial trap and it's grim.
Focusing on what I look like (and whether or not that's thin enough) has robbed me of so much emotional (and physical!) energy over the years. It makes me very angry...and yet it continues.
Yes! It robs us of energy, confidence, and mental bandwidth. It takes so much from us and yet it’s so hard to stop. I’m right here fighting that battle with you
Thank you!! Solidarity always makes me feel better. I think as a millennial/xennial it's too easy to look at other women who appear to be either 1) closer to the "ideal" we're programmed to want or 2) closer to the "acceptance" we're *also* programmed to want and despair that we're achieving neither. But in reality most of those women aren't either! More kindness and more openness about this is vital. I wrote about my own struggle here if you want to read something with similar themes: https://thathag.substack.com/p/the-weight-of-being-thin
I have seen so many of these articles and texts about thinnes lately on substack. It seems everyone is thinking and talking about it. I love that we are pushing back against this culture phenomenon. I also want to add that this is an issue I only come across in the western world. I often feel nausiated by the insane amount of focus on diet culture and fitting into certain types that are "now trending". I am really glad I didnt start my life on this part of the world, because though I was born into an athletic family and have the genetic advantage, I have seen people with my body type hate their bodies, simply because someone told them they are fat or not fitting on the "current trend". When I tas 17, my aunt who is tall and slim told me I was getting chubby. I was 43 kilograms and 164 cm, nearly underweight. I remember seeing how my family members acted, rebuking her and telling her this type of language is not permitted in our home. Ever since then she made me aware of something I didn't ever think about or hear about in our family. What we say to children sticks and it shapes their insecurities. I know I am lucky that my own mother raised us five girls without ever bringing up the subject of weight, unless we were so thin she worried about us. So the comment my aunty who grew up in Holland made didn't make an impact on me, though every now and then I think of how ridiculous it was, especially considering my biggest issue often is to keep my weight, due to various maladies. That same period a random woman told me it would hurt me to "do some squats". Claiming I couldn't be a black woman without a big bum nor tits. I remember just laughing at her as I knew there was little I could do to grow tits and a bum and I wasn't going to be sad about it either. Children will look up to grown ups in all things, but mostly they copy the behaviour of the people they look up to the most. This is one of the things I think we have to start including in this talk about "trending body types". My family's lack of interest or nonchalantness to the subject of "fitting some societal standard of beauty" has been the best remedy when it comes to my own and my sisters body image, and some of the women in our family are particularly more curvy. We have learned to embrace all body types from a very young age and I think that is one of the main reason my algorithms never bring this subject to me.
Speaking of western culture enforcing this. This video makes me sick to my stomach. The way in which these women were treated by the media. This is still echoed in society today, just not as bluntly as this perhaps: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8ZhjM0qRRz/?igsh=MW1teGFoMWZ3dWw0OQ==
Ughhh that video is too real. Thank you for sharing it. That messaging was everywhere and we left so many women to deal with it all alone. There’s no right way to have a body damnit!
I know! I’m glad to see us all talking about this and challenging it. We need to see it as what it is: a capitalistic attempt to keep women poor by enforcing on us unrealistic body standards while simultaneously inventing problems and “solutions i.e sliming remedies, diets etc. and benefit on our suffering. Not while we are awake!! Not anymore!!
Damn right. It’s all a distraction to keep us compliant and shopping. But I’ll be damned if we let them keep this shit up. “Not while we’re awake” is so perfect
Another well done article! And as we ladies say in the fire service-“Big thighs, saves lives!” Weight is just a number. I’ve always felt that as long as I stay active, eat fairly healthy and say “fuck you to the haters”, well… then I’m living my best self. I know far too many people with major health issues that are societal skinny. So yeah, weight is just a number. We are all so much more than that and we deserve to enjoy life.
I can completely relate to everything you shared. The pressure to fit a certain ideal in our society is intense and constant. I will say, however, that hitting midlife changed that drastically for me. I started doing heavy weight lifting as I became more aware of all the things that head downhill as you age and lose the natural strength of youth. As a result, I weigh more than I "should" for my height. But, a lot of it is muscle and I'm strong enough to lift well over my body weight. When my goal became being strong, not being thin, that shifted the entire narrative. My goal isn't to look "skinny" for any man, any standard, or any one. Instead, I'd rather look like I could kick their ass.
I used to love powerlifting!! It really does make you think of your body differently. I moved far away from my old gym and completely lost my whole routine as the pandemic started. I hope I can get back into it but right now, I just can’t find the drive. I’m trying to not beat myself up about it but damn, that conditioning is deeeeep.
Will do! The YouTuber’s name is Caroline Girvan and she has a bunch of great video playlists. My favorites are her Kick Ass Kettlebell series and her Iron Series. I’ll DM you the link. :)
Oh man you nailed it. I gained 40 pounds over the pandemic due to binging/lack of activity/antidepressants and “being in my 40s”, and I am trying so hard to be okay with it. I don’t think that messaging is ever going to entirely leave my head. I’d like it to. But I’d also like to lose weight? It’s a constant raging battle in my head.
This is me 100%. Do I actually care about the weight or is it just my conditioning? I’m working hard to opting out of that conversation in my head but you’re right, it’s hard as hell
The conversations we have in our heads Michelle are sometimes our own worst enemy. Every time that negative voice creeps in I do my best to ignore it. And when I do, I’m much better off.
We all experienced such brutal messaging for decades! Literally decades and most of our formative years. I went on my first diet when I was 11! I’m convinced it screwed up my metabolism for life. Ugh
Another superb read, thanks Michelle! I remember when I came back from a 2-week camp in my teens where I had such terrible social anxiety I was feeling sick all the time and barely ate. My aunts commented that I looked great and they wanted to go to camp and do whatever I was doing. At that moment it really sank in that diet culture is pure BS. Sure, be in pain and ill and be complimented for it? No thanks. The nail in the coffin of not caring was going vegan. I think it is understated how much it helps your mental health, in the sense that it can reframe your relationship with food as something incredibly positive: you are making a positive difference in the world with your food choices. Add a focus on whole foods and delicious stuff like your books - I never feel the need to diet again, not even for "health" reasons. Going vegan reconnected me with the joy of eating shame-free.
Yes! I completely agree that veganism can heal food trauma by reframing food as a positive thing rather than something to be avoided. I wanted to include that but I didn’t want the piece to be too long. I’m so glad you brought it up because I really don’t think it’s talked about enough.
Awesome article Michelle! I always remind my daughter after she came out, fuck the judgement, “be your best self”. Period. I think that can be applied to everything in life. We all deserve to live our best lives. Fuck the haters, and the judgement.
Oh, geez. Resonates with this gen-x-er (I'm 57.) My mom was frequently dieting while all us kids were rail thin (so was she as a child.) Now I'm menopausal and have crappy food habits (yes, i would like ice cream, thanks!) and the weight is rising like the global warming seas. I can see this is partly my genetic legacy, but it's hard. I say I want to lose, or at least not gain, weight because I don't want to buy new clothes, but really it's mainly because "fat is ugly, bad, etc." that's been drilled into me.
This body HAS grown two whole human beings. This body gets me from point A to point B with little trouble. I've been seeing a trainer, so I know I'm stronger than 2 years ago (I even have tiny, visible triceps if I flex them!) My body is amazing, but I'm the first in line when it comes to criticizing it. Enough. Need that love mirror, love look Angela speaks of.
It’s so ingrained! Your body has accomplished so many amazing things and yet all we can focus on is how much room we take up. It’s such a waste of our time but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. My mom was also always on a diet despite always being thin and beautiful. It’s a lot of work to untangle all of that. We need a love mirror for sure!
I really appreciate you writing about this! I am also a millennial who constantly worried about body image. I grew up playing sports so I was really muscular. It always embarrassed me, especially because I ate a lot. After I graduated I stopped playing sports and started to resent my body. I did some messed up stuff to my body. After it took me a long time just to get back to a base line. I'm still working on it, old habits are hard to break like you said it's practically ingrained in us. That doesn't stop me from trying my best to love myself and keep my body strong.
Ughhh we can’t win. It’s a lot of work to get back to a baseline but we deserve a peaceful relationship with our bodies. We literally have to spend all our time in them!
Sis… “When you tie weight to morality, it’s a weapon.” 😮💨😮💨😮💨 That cut REAL deep. To it, I’d add: when I tie MY weight to morality, it’s a weapon. Because: the people I love could be any size and I would not wonder about their virtue!! I was told by a family member once (it really only takes once! Message received!), “Being fit is loving and a courtesy to others because they have to look at you.” (And in case you were wondering like I was at the time, there were no hidden cameras and I was not being pranked.) Recently I was in tears when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when a divine inner voice said gently, “Sweetie, you’re looking in the wrong mirror.” I stopped sniveling and considered that. I now try to look in the mirror of Love—the one I look in for other people, btw—and it has been, well, lovely. So appreciate this post—you have an amazing sense of timing! Really needed it. Thank you.
Damn right. We use it against ourselves because I would never treat someone the way I treat myself. We should be so grateful for a working body but instead all I can see is are all the ways I’m imperfect. Here’s to loving ourselves exactly where we are 🍻 it’s hard as hell but we’re worth it
So eloquently put Michelle! I am 60 and I still fight the battle in my head. Over the years I have learned to be kinder to myself and it has become easier to turn those thoughts off when they arise.
I have a daughter (32) and a son (30) - when they were growing up, I made sure their Dad and I communicated to them that they were smart, athletic, compassionate, funny, caring friends, etc. In one of the proudest parenting moments of my life, my daughter wrote me a letter (she was around 25) and said that many of her friends had body image issues and that she didn't because she hadn't ever heard me say anything negative about my body.
I absolutely didn't out loud even though it was happening in my head. She asked if I had done that on purpose and said she thought I probably had. I definitely had done it on purpose as I wanted her and her brother to understand they were so much more than how they looked. Society does enough damage with unrealistic beauty and body expectations for women and men, I wanted to counteract that as much as possible with my kids.
You put yourself on that grenade for them 😭❤️ It’s so hard but I’m glad you let conditioning end with you. I know it was hard work to pull that off and you should be proud.
Michelle, I swear you can always figure out what I need to hear each week. I have always struggled with stress-eating, and due to issues I won't discuss here, I've gotten to be at my highest weight ever, and the number of people who think it is ok to comment on it is astounding. No one cares that I am in the best place mentally I have ever been, or that I have been going through some pretty serious stuff that has increased my stress and made it harder to take off. None of that matters to them, only the size of my waist. I have a family member, who whenever they speak to my mother, one of their questions is always inevitably if I am still walking, and they don't understand how hurtful it is. It is so frustrating to live in a society where we are judged on the size and shape of our body, but not the size and shape of our heart. I often feel as though I could be thin and be a horrific human being and I would be more accepted by society, and be more loved by my family. It truly is never ending. Thank you for writing about this.
The condescending way people act concerned when you gain weight is infuriating. I lost a bunch of weight years ago due to some terrible life events and the praise broke my brain. Nobody was concerned about my health but they fucking should have been. We can’t win. Now that I’m gaining weight I can feel the judgement from some people in my life and myself and it hurts my heart. We all deserve so much better. There’s no right way to have a body ❤️
I am so sorry you had that experience. It drives me crazy that when we see big physical changes happen we never take into account what is happening in someone's life, all that matters is the size of their hips. I truly hope the terrible life events you mentioned have improved. And please remember, we are so much more than the size of our bodies. You are a beautiful person, Michelle, both inside and out. Please always remember that.
So I am very curious about this because I’m almost there but not quite. First I’ve been on the ‘needs to lose a little’ side literally since childhood. Nothing extreme but always there. My hormones are a little jacked up (irregular periods etc etc since forever) but no medical professional had any suggestions, so I rolled with it. I tried with dieting, that never worked long, then I tried with sports, on and off, now I am lifting weights at the sporty age of 45 and honestly loving it.
The weird thing is nothing actually worked for me. I still need to lose some amount. If for no other reason then just to fit in all my cute dresses again. But I find I care 2% about how I look. I do get very excited, though, about getting stronger… So even though I’ve been lifting for about a year and a half now and the magical body recompositioning hasn’t really happened, I still love the lifting. I feel amazing when I do a move I couldn’t do before. I feel brilliant when I can push through a hike or row us to shore when my friend’s shoulders give out midway our kayak adventure.
I’ve totally pivoted my body focus from how it looks (decidedly mid, as the kids would say) to what it can do (more than before!) and it’s extremely freeing.
Yes! Focusing on strength and what your body can accomplish vs what it looks like is great medicine. If you’ve never checked out Swole Woman’s stuff before, she’s got a great newsletter about lifting and getting stronger for regular folks called She’s a Beast. Super smart and levelheaded work.
https://www.shesabeast.co
Heading over there immediately ❤️
Really enjoyed this article. I remember during the pandemic and after some really rough years where I ended up gaining some weight I had told someone close to me I was going to teach yoga. I had gotten my certification before life and weight happened. Their response was, "Would someone trust a fat yoga teacher?" Then there's the line in the cooking world, "Never trust a skinny chef." There's no winning. I feel like as it stands, as I stand, the word that most resonates with me is "fit." Fit to me means both capable but not afraid of food. Fit is fueled and ready to take on whatever comes my way. Including what anybody might say about if I choose salad or fries one day.
Another body positive person doing incredible work is Teri Hofford. I love her work and what she does.
Yes! Fit and able is what I’m striving for. Aesthetics be damned. You really can’t win. I hope you’re teaching yoga in whatever body you have right now and told that friend to educate themselves. I’ll check out Teri Hofford. Thanks for the rec!
This was great—thanks for sharing it! The millennial body-image mindfuck is real. And thinness is *so* tied to virtue, yes! I love that you touched on the dissonance of desperately wanting to be thin and simultaneously feeling guilty for wanting to be thin. Earlier generations certainly felt the former but I don't know that they felt the latter. That is a very millennial trap and it's grim.
Focusing on what I look like (and whether or not that's thin enough) has robbed me of so much emotional (and physical!) energy over the years. It makes me very angry...and yet it continues.
Yes! It robs us of energy, confidence, and mental bandwidth. It takes so much from us and yet it’s so hard to stop. I’m right here fighting that battle with you
Thank you!! Solidarity always makes me feel better. I think as a millennial/xennial it's too easy to look at other women who appear to be either 1) closer to the "ideal" we're programmed to want or 2) closer to the "acceptance" we're *also* programmed to want and despair that we're achieving neither. But in reality most of those women aren't either! More kindness and more openness about this is vital. I wrote about my own struggle here if you want to read something with similar themes: https://thathag.substack.com/p/the-weight-of-being-thin
I loved that piece. Clearly our minds are wrestling with the same stuff. We’re all suffering and we can help each other through it ❤️
I have seen so many of these articles and texts about thinnes lately on substack. It seems everyone is thinking and talking about it. I love that we are pushing back against this culture phenomenon. I also want to add that this is an issue I only come across in the western world. I often feel nausiated by the insane amount of focus on diet culture and fitting into certain types that are "now trending". I am really glad I didnt start my life on this part of the world, because though I was born into an athletic family and have the genetic advantage, I have seen people with my body type hate their bodies, simply because someone told them they are fat or not fitting on the "current trend". When I tas 17, my aunt who is tall and slim told me I was getting chubby. I was 43 kilograms and 164 cm, nearly underweight. I remember seeing how my family members acted, rebuking her and telling her this type of language is not permitted in our home. Ever since then she made me aware of something I didn't ever think about or hear about in our family. What we say to children sticks and it shapes their insecurities. I know I am lucky that my own mother raised us five girls without ever bringing up the subject of weight, unless we were so thin she worried about us. So the comment my aunty who grew up in Holland made didn't make an impact on me, though every now and then I think of how ridiculous it was, especially considering my biggest issue often is to keep my weight, due to various maladies. That same period a random woman told me it would hurt me to "do some squats". Claiming I couldn't be a black woman without a big bum nor tits. I remember just laughing at her as I knew there was little I could do to grow tits and a bum and I wasn't going to be sad about it either. Children will look up to grown ups in all things, but mostly they copy the behaviour of the people they look up to the most. This is one of the things I think we have to start including in this talk about "trending body types". My family's lack of interest or nonchalantness to the subject of "fitting some societal standard of beauty" has been the best remedy when it comes to my own and my sisters body image, and some of the women in our family are particularly more curvy. We have learned to embrace all body types from a very young age and I think that is one of the main reason my algorithms never bring this subject to me.
Speaking of western culture enforcing this. This video makes me sick to my stomach. The way in which these women were treated by the media. This is still echoed in society today, just not as bluntly as this perhaps: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8ZhjM0qRRz/?igsh=MW1teGFoMWZ3dWw0OQ==
Ughhh that video is too real. Thank you for sharing it. That messaging was everywhere and we left so many women to deal with it all alone. There’s no right way to have a body damnit!
I know! I’m glad to see us all talking about this and challenging it. We need to see it as what it is: a capitalistic attempt to keep women poor by enforcing on us unrealistic body standards while simultaneously inventing problems and “solutions i.e sliming remedies, diets etc. and benefit on our suffering. Not while we are awake!! Not anymore!!
Damn right. It’s all a distraction to keep us compliant and shopping. But I’ll be damned if we let them keep this shit up. “Not while we’re awake” is so perfect
Another well done article! And as we ladies say in the fire service-“Big thighs, saves lives!” Weight is just a number. I’ve always felt that as long as I stay active, eat fairly healthy and say “fuck you to the haters”, well… then I’m living my best self. I know far too many people with major health issues that are societal skinny. So yeah, weight is just a number. We are all so much more than that and we deserve to enjoy life.
I can completely relate to everything you shared. The pressure to fit a certain ideal in our society is intense and constant. I will say, however, that hitting midlife changed that drastically for me. I started doing heavy weight lifting as I became more aware of all the things that head downhill as you age and lose the natural strength of youth. As a result, I weigh more than I "should" for my height. But, a lot of it is muscle and I'm strong enough to lift well over my body weight. When my goal became being strong, not being thin, that shifted the entire narrative. My goal isn't to look "skinny" for any man, any standard, or any one. Instead, I'd rather look like I could kick their ass.
I used to love powerlifting!! It really does make you think of your body differently. I moved far away from my old gym and completely lost my whole routine as the pandemic started. I hope I can get back into it but right now, I just can’t find the drive. I’m trying to not beat myself up about it but damn, that conditioning is deeeeep.
Haha no worries! 😉
Typed to fast 🤦♂️
So sorry
Oh fuck I meant to emoji ❤️
Thank you 💩
You're welcome!
Lolololol
You can DM me that YouTube channel as I’m in a real funk right now! Please and thanks 🙏
Will do! The YouTuber’s name is Caroline Girvan and she has a bunch of great video playlists. My favorites are her Kick Ass Kettlebell series and her Iron Series. I’ll DM you the link. :)
Oh man you nailed it. I gained 40 pounds over the pandemic due to binging/lack of activity/antidepressants and “being in my 40s”, and I am trying so hard to be okay with it. I don’t think that messaging is ever going to entirely leave my head. I’d like it to. But I’d also like to lose weight? It’s a constant raging battle in my head.
This is me 100%. Do I actually care about the weight or is it just my conditioning? I’m working hard to opting out of that conversation in my head but you’re right, it’s hard as hell
The conversations we have in our heads Michelle are sometimes our own worst enemy. Every time that negative voice creeps in I do my best to ignore it. And when I do, I’m much better off.
We all experienced such brutal messaging for decades! Literally decades and most of our formative years. I went on my first diet when I was 11! I’m convinced it screwed up my metabolism for life. Ugh
Another superb read, thanks Michelle! I remember when I came back from a 2-week camp in my teens where I had such terrible social anxiety I was feeling sick all the time and barely ate. My aunts commented that I looked great and they wanted to go to camp and do whatever I was doing. At that moment it really sank in that diet culture is pure BS. Sure, be in pain and ill and be complimented for it? No thanks. The nail in the coffin of not caring was going vegan. I think it is understated how much it helps your mental health, in the sense that it can reframe your relationship with food as something incredibly positive: you are making a positive difference in the world with your food choices. Add a focus on whole foods and delicious stuff like your books - I never feel the need to diet again, not even for "health" reasons. Going vegan reconnected me with the joy of eating shame-free.
Yes! I completely agree that veganism can heal food trauma by reframing food as a positive thing rather than something to be avoided. I wanted to include that but I didn’t want the piece to be too long. I’m so glad you brought it up because I really don’t think it’s talked about enough.
Awesome article Michelle! I always remind my daughter after she came out, fuck the judgement, “be your best self”. Period. I think that can be applied to everything in life. We all deserve to live our best lives. Fuck the haters, and the judgement.
I couldn’t have put it any better
Great piece as always Michelle!
Thank you Brian!
Oh, geez. Resonates with this gen-x-er (I'm 57.) My mom was frequently dieting while all us kids were rail thin (so was she as a child.) Now I'm menopausal and have crappy food habits (yes, i would like ice cream, thanks!) and the weight is rising like the global warming seas. I can see this is partly my genetic legacy, but it's hard. I say I want to lose, or at least not gain, weight because I don't want to buy new clothes, but really it's mainly because "fat is ugly, bad, etc." that's been drilled into me.
This body HAS grown two whole human beings. This body gets me from point A to point B with little trouble. I've been seeing a trainer, so I know I'm stronger than 2 years ago (I even have tiny, visible triceps if I flex them!) My body is amazing, but I'm the first in line when it comes to criticizing it. Enough. Need that love mirror, love look Angela speaks of.
It’s so ingrained! Your body has accomplished so many amazing things and yet all we can focus on is how much room we take up. It’s such a waste of our time but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. My mom was also always on a diet despite always being thin and beautiful. It’s a lot of work to untangle all of that. We need a love mirror for sure!
I really appreciate you writing about this! I am also a millennial who constantly worried about body image. I grew up playing sports so I was really muscular. It always embarrassed me, especially because I ate a lot. After I graduated I stopped playing sports and started to resent my body. I did some messed up stuff to my body. After it took me a long time just to get back to a base line. I'm still working on it, old habits are hard to break like you said it's practically ingrained in us. That doesn't stop me from trying my best to love myself and keep my body strong.
Ughhh we can’t win. It’s a lot of work to get back to a baseline but we deserve a peaceful relationship with our bodies. We literally have to spend all our time in them!
Sis… “When you tie weight to morality, it’s a weapon.” 😮💨😮💨😮💨 That cut REAL deep. To it, I’d add: when I tie MY weight to morality, it’s a weapon. Because: the people I love could be any size and I would not wonder about their virtue!! I was told by a family member once (it really only takes once! Message received!), “Being fit is loving and a courtesy to others because they have to look at you.” (And in case you were wondering like I was at the time, there were no hidden cameras and I was not being pranked.) Recently I was in tears when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when a divine inner voice said gently, “Sweetie, you’re looking in the wrong mirror.” I stopped sniveling and considered that. I now try to look in the mirror of Love—the one I look in for other people, btw—and it has been, well, lovely. So appreciate this post—you have an amazing sense of timing! Really needed it. Thank you.
Damn right. We use it against ourselves because I would never treat someone the way I treat myself. We should be so grateful for a working body but instead all I can see is are all the ways I’m imperfect. Here’s to loving ourselves exactly where we are 🍻 it’s hard as hell but we’re worth it
So eloquently put Michelle! I am 60 and I still fight the battle in my head. Over the years I have learned to be kinder to myself and it has become easier to turn those thoughts off when they arise.
I have a daughter (32) and a son (30) - when they were growing up, I made sure their Dad and I communicated to them that they were smart, athletic, compassionate, funny, caring friends, etc. In one of the proudest parenting moments of my life, my daughter wrote me a letter (she was around 25) and said that many of her friends had body image issues and that she didn't because she hadn't ever heard me say anything negative about my body.
I absolutely didn't out loud even though it was happening in my head. She asked if I had done that on purpose and said she thought I probably had. I definitely had done it on purpose as I wanted her and her brother to understand they were so much more than how they looked. Society does enough damage with unrealistic beauty and body expectations for women and men, I wanted to counteract that as much as possible with my kids.
You put yourself on that grenade for them 😭❤️ It’s so hard but I’m glad you let conditioning end with you. I know it was hard work to pull that off and you should be proud.
Thank you for your beautiful words 💖
I couldn’t get your essay out of my head! Thanks for all the inspiration and insight ❤️
Michelle, I swear you can always figure out what I need to hear each week. I have always struggled with stress-eating, and due to issues I won't discuss here, I've gotten to be at my highest weight ever, and the number of people who think it is ok to comment on it is astounding. No one cares that I am in the best place mentally I have ever been, or that I have been going through some pretty serious stuff that has increased my stress and made it harder to take off. None of that matters to them, only the size of my waist. I have a family member, who whenever they speak to my mother, one of their questions is always inevitably if I am still walking, and they don't understand how hurtful it is. It is so frustrating to live in a society where we are judged on the size and shape of our body, but not the size and shape of our heart. I often feel as though I could be thin and be a horrific human being and I would be more accepted by society, and be more loved by my family. It truly is never ending. Thank you for writing about this.
The condescending way people act concerned when you gain weight is infuriating. I lost a bunch of weight years ago due to some terrible life events and the praise broke my brain. Nobody was concerned about my health but they fucking should have been. We can’t win. Now that I’m gaining weight I can feel the judgement from some people in my life and myself and it hurts my heart. We all deserve so much better. There’s no right way to have a body ❤️
I am so sorry you had that experience. It drives me crazy that when we see big physical changes happen we never take into account what is happening in someone's life, all that matters is the size of their hips. I truly hope the terrible life events you mentioned have improved. And please remember, we are so much more than the size of our bodies. You are a beautiful person, Michelle, both inside and out. Please always remember that.
Thank you so much Carolyn. Right back at you ❤️❤️❤️