All My Mother's Friends
al pastor recipe and female friends
Hey Pot-Heads! I’ve already emailed you a couple times this week so this one is a doubleheader. First, a little story about my Mom and female friendship. Then for paid subscribers, the recipe inspired by my mom: al Pastor Tofu with Adobo Rice. It’s a killer so don’t forget to drop a ❤️ for this post.
Lastly, thank you so much for all the love The Supper Book Club received this week. I couldn’t believe how many of you signed up. I can’t wait to get started so if you added your name to the list, expect an email from me next week with book choices. Also, if you’re still looking for more recipe ideas for this weekend, check out my midweek post full of lots of free goodness for Mother’s Day or just a good meal.
My friend Lauren had her first baby last week. He’s 8lbs 3oz of gorgeous and she’s in good health after a long labor. A handful of her girlfriends here in the city including myself are all on a text chain together where we all eagerly waited for updates from the hospital, sending goofy memes, and lots of love as the hours ticked by. When we finally got the picture of the new baby, we could all exhale. Our friend was safe. In a news cycle rightly dominated by all the horrible things that can happen to people during pregnancy and birth, a safe pregnancy and labor feels that much more miraculous. Even though this friend group is lucky enough to live in a state where the health, bodily autonomy, and life of a mother matters, I can’t stop thinking about all the pregnant people and their friends who aren’t in California. The baby is cute and I’m so glad he’s healthy but really, I’m just fucking glad my friend is alive. We should be able to say that. These new moms aren’t just mothers, they’re people and they matter outside of their new role in their family. There are lots of pieces being published these days about a growing divide between people who have children and those who chose to or can’t have kids. I think that’s overblown. Do they not understand friendship? I’m never going to be a mother but I know I have an important role to play: your mom’s friend.
The women who knew my mom before she was a mother were always my favorites. They knew all the secrets and loved my mom unconditionally.
My mom, Beverly, has always had a close circle of girlfriends. She ended up in California and thus raised her children on the opposite coast from her family in North Carolina. Life just happens like that. There was no one to help her, no familial network she could activate with guilt or duty to come and watch us when she needed a break, needed help, or needed anything at all. It was just her, my dad, and a handful of his siblings who lived many hours away. Was she stressed? Fuck yes. But she always made sure to have friends. She had her longtime girlfriends, friends from high school and her twenties who she still talks to all the time on the phone. They were my aunts, my mother’s sisters who shared no blood. They were scattered all over the country but never felt far. The phone kept them close. My mom had girlfriends nearby too. Friends from work, from the neighborhood, and other moms from my school that she got along with. Therapy in the 80’s and 90’s was hard to come by, but these women kept each other sane. Well, maybe not always sane, but they supported each other in the grueling work of life and raising kids. Their conversations were lifesaving, even if they were about nothing at all.
The women who knew my mom before she was a mother were always my favorites. They knew all the secrets and loved my mom unconditionally. I wanted them to be my friends too- I still do. They’d make her laugh in way that she never did in her day-to-day life. She even looked different when she spoke with them. Her shoulders climbed out of her ears; her face softened. She got to be herself- a woman I didn’t know. These women are some of my mom’s most intimate relationships, even if they could only get together a handful of times in a decade. They saw her more completely than anyone- including her husband. They tethered her to herself, outside of her role as wife and mother. That’s no small thing. They served an important role in my life too. They showed me my mom wasn’t a machine designed to meet my childish needs; she was the main character of her own life, and I was just the latest chapter in her much longer story. They cared about how she was feeling, if she was happy, if she needed help, or just a distraction. That’s love.
I love all my friend’s children but that’s not why I’m around. I know where my loyalty is. I’m there for my friend I grew up with, my besties who snuck into American Pie with me, my friends who could drink everyone under the table in college, the girls who’d do silly voices until we almost pee our pants laughing at the grocery store. We were once each other’s whole world. I would never leave them behind even as I fall farther down their list. That’s ok. I’m the one there to remind everybody who will listen that these mothers aren’t kindling to keep their families warm, they’re people. They’re funny, weird, and wildly creative women that deserve to have the full expression of their humanity available to them. Your mother’s friends loved her first and will love her the longest. We know their secrets; their kids barely remember their birthday. So, this Mother’s Day, ask the moms in your life about themselves. Give them the space to be everything that makes up their identity, not just their domestic roles. Your mom is fucking fun when you aren’t around.
My mom is a bit of a picky eater but one of her favorite foods are al pastor tacos. She doesn’t want fresh pineapple on top so don’t even try it. You will break her heart. So in honor of her, this week’s recipe is full of all that al pastor flavor and maybe, a little pineapple. Sorry Mom! If you aren’t familiar with the dish, al pastor basically means “shepherd style” and the dish comes from Puebla and Mexico City by way of Lebanese immigrants in the early 20th century. They brought the trompo style cooking method to Puebla and then the adobo spices were added by cooks in Mexico City. Now the dish is beloved by so many people all over the world, but most importantly my mom. So in honor of her and Mother’s Day here’s my latest: al pastor tofu with adobo rice. There are so many recipes for al pastor that I thought we would have a little fun with the flavors and I’m so glad I did. I have been eating this for breakfast and lunch nonstop since I first dreamed it up. Of course you could have it for dinner, I’m just a weirdo.
