How to Haunt a Holiday

Scrooge and rage cooking with The Muppets

Hiiiii. I wanted to remind you that I’ve extended the Stir the Pot 20% off yearly subscription sale until the end of the year if you want to join in. It makes a great gift or you can keep that goodness all to yourself. Ok, now back to business.

Michael Caine as an iconic Ebenezer Scrooge in The Muppet’s Christmas Carol

I’ve been in a slump for a while now. It’s tempting to blame it on the holidays, my impending 40^th birthday, or the thousands of things wrong in politics, culture, and the environment right now. But even that’s not quite right. I’m just sort of… sad? I’ve tried practicing gratitude. I’ve given thanks for my wonderful wife, marriage, and all the good fortune I’ve had in my life, but my gratitude dissolves as soon as I look away. I need something stronger. I can’t gaslight myself into happiness, even at Christmas.

Growing up, I was a theater kid. I acted in plays year-round, but I was busiest around the holidays. I’ve been in an endless number of Christmas productions, playing everybody from Mrs. Claus to a nameless reindeer. My favorite show was always A Christmas Carol. A piece of shit dude (Ebenezer Scrooge) gets harassed by ghosts, forced to confront his terrible ways until he repents, and changes for the better? Hell yes. Charles Dickens put all his juice into this one. He wrote it in less than 6 weeks due to a desperate need for money and its first printing sold out in 5 days. The novella was an immediate hit. It’s never been out of print since its publication in 1843. I’ve read and watched endless adaptations over the years, but nothing hits quite like the staged version. I was thrilled when I was finally old enough to be cast in some of the prime roles. I’ve played The Ghost of Christmas Past and Mrs. Cratchit, but my favorite character was always Belle.

Belle is always a hottie tyvm

You’re forgiven if you don’t remember Belle. Most adaptations only give her one or two brief scenes. Belle was Ebenezer’s love. She leaves him when it becomes clear that his heart is full of greed, and he’s indifferent to human suffering. I loved playing Belle. Old Scrooge is forced to watch her break up with him again by The Ghost of Christmas Past, and getting to righteously humiliate young Ebenezer every night on stage was a joy for me. He deserved it, and everyone in the audience knew it. Belle appears one more time to Scrooge as a married woman, surrounded by her doting husband and children. The Ghost of Christmas Past makes him watch as Belle and her husband talk about what a lonely, sad old man Scrooge turned out to be. Despite her warnings, Scrooge spent his whole life proving her right, and she flourished without him. A teenage girl couldn’t have dreamed up a better revenge. Tiny Tim might be more memorable, but Belle is the one who cut Scrooge first and the deepest.

this is therapy

I don’t act in plays anymore, even at the holidays. Life just got in the way. Instead, I play pretend in my head. Lately, in an attempt to relax myself to sleep, I’ve imagined smashing a car with a baseball bat until every surface is dented, every piece of glass shattered. Only when the car is totally destroyed am I able to pull my shoulders out of my ears and take a deep breath. This can’t be healthy, but it’s honest, and hurts no one. Why does this help? I’m not a violent person, but this feels cleansing. I'm realizing that I may not be able to gaslight myself into happiness, but I can talk myself out of depression. I’m not in a slump. Not really. I’m fucking furious, and I bet you are too.

He’s 100% part of the expanded Christmas Carol universe

A Christmas Carol has enduring appeal because we all want people like Scrooge to stand trial for their greed. It’s satisfying to watch him squirm as he’s forced to relive all of his cruelty, and then see how it ruined lives. It’s cathartic to listen to him beg for it to stop. We’re all yearning for that kind of justice. In the last few decades, we’ve seen a handful of men amass incomprehensible levels of wealth, while our lives became immeasurably more difficult because of their greed. Everyone is working so hard to keep a roof over their heads and groceries on the table, but the richest man in the world is pillaging the US and making at least $40 million a day for his chaotic efforts. We’re encouraged to focus on gratitude for our scraps, while we watch Scrooge after Scrooge remain curiously un-haunted. Is Mackenzie Scott not Belle to Bezos? Is Jeffrey Epstein not Trump’s Jacob Marley? We’re all craving some Dickensian justice.

The saddest Tiny Tim of all

In her piece about the shooting of the UnitedHealthcare CEO,

Deborah Copaken

succinctly explains why that act of violence was celebrated by so many people: “We’re tired of dying, so that others can fill their pockets with our suffering.” A Christmas Carol touches on this too. Scrooge is shown a future by The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come where the Cratchit family is in mourning. It’s clear that Scrooge paid Bob Cratchit such meager wages that he couldn’t afford healthcare for his ailing son Tiny Tim, so he died. It’s one of the final reveals that makes Scrooge change his ways. It’s quaint compared to our current situation in the US. Imagine, if at the end of A Christmas Carol Scrooge somehow became Prime Minister of England, locked up Tiny Tim, and started a Haunted Help Line for CEOs, instead of atoning for his sins. That’s where we are right now. We’re all praying for vengeful holiday ghosts because that feels like our last hope. We’re haunted by how different life could be if we hadn’t let greed run wild. It’s just us, our rage, and A Christmas Carol at the end of the world.

I’m not here to tell you to quiet your anger. It’s a logical response. I want us to stay angry, and also find some peace. I think we can do both. Belle told Scrooge to get fucked, and went on to live a beautiful life. Why not us? Now that I can see my depression is mostly anger turned inwards, I can work on getting it outside of myself. I can free myself from my Scrooges, whether they’re balding former business partners or maniacal CEOs who want to breed us on Mars. I want peace. I want justice. No more destroying cars in my dreams, I’m going to focus on real life. First up? Dinner. I’m going to chop through my rage, mince through the madness, and sauté my sanity right back to me. You should too. We will need the fuel to get through the years ahead. Make some soup, fill up your freezer, and restock your pantry. That’s enough work for now.

I know people always say homemade food tastes better because it’s made with love, but I think righteous anger is delicious too. Stay mad, stay well-fed, and next year we’ll sort it all out. We’ll scare some shame back into them. Right now, I’m going to cook up a feast and put on The Muppet Christmas Carol because hating on greedy, selfish men is the reason for the season at my house. Merry Christmas, everyone!

---

Tomorrow, paid subscribers are getting a recipe for a Melted Leek and Mushroom Sauce that will upgrade your stir-fries, roasted veggies, and ramen all with one little scoop. Plus, you can store it in the freezer for months. It’s convenience at your fingertips thanks to past you. Come and join the cool kids and our well-stocked freezers.

xoxo,

Michelle